THE ART OF CRAPPING.

same as yun, i really do not know what i've been doing. argh.
life is not nice now.
i wish presentations to be over.
exams to be over.
and pop! fyp to be over.
exams to be over.
and, shall i go to alaksa for 2 months?
work my ass off as a housekeeper- something i don't prefer.
spend 2 months in alaska
and mb a short visit to u.s mainland.
rush back for convo
and find a job if i haven't found one.
or go for another short holiday if i still have funds.
and start working, the never ending working life?
what is life?
i wonder.
what do i want?
what will come?
what is there for me?
will i live a life?

I am here to open a file which well, this lil xp computer with office 2003 don't support. and so, hell to me finding the way out of my problem again. sien.

Somehow, it's the cold hard fact that I need a 2:1 to get a good job.
and this semester is the semester. it's freaking heavy. i really wonder how am i going to handle it....
but i really hope i can just pull through it short and sweet.
knowledge gain is nice but sometimes to put them together for exams is very worrying.

shortbread full of butter smell for my next wk supply of breakfast/ snacks.

gosh. sgx talk is on monday and not tuesday? that means i have to be back tmr?

i really hate it that my room is not as peaceful as it was before, all thanks to the fan beneath me. now is really softer but to me it's still irritable. and i wonder if i shuld officially close the case or request for one last chance of repairing? hai. i'm still stuck.

somehow, it seems bleak getting a good job? well, i hope to be a MA but it's hard la. management associate i mean.

and somehow, i am so tired of life? or i just need some rejuvenation activities?

off

i'm suddenly very sien with school, with everything, in short with life.

as i briefly look through my work and travel stuff, it makes me wonder how happy i can be and as compared to now, how pessimistic or whatever i can be. how freedom makes a difference, how away from home makes a difference etc.?

it sucks, to know that my networks are seriously in need of an extension of radar? i really wonder where will i be next year this time, i really wonder where am i heading now. is school time really a showcase of ur talents and etc to ur future employer? and will it really have an impact on u in future? argh. i really wonder. too many things i'm wondering.

mb what jiejie said is right. take one month break and just hide in jb/malaysia. to relive the days. yar. put a lil more thought into that simple and seemingly ridiculous statement, it makes a lot of sense. it's to get back to the self that we've long thrown it into obliviousness as we spend too much time in singapore... probably i guess i was more down to earth and more curious and more sociable and more sincere as i have more time in jb/malaysia. it takes quite awhile to go back there you know...

anyway, malaysian chinese are second class citizens no matter where we go. back in malaysia, we are second class. even if become citizen of another country, we are still second class. as such, no matter where we go, which citizen we are, it makes no damn difference because we're used to being treated as second class since the day we are born.

nonetheless, the kind of affinity and love for malaysia is unexplainable, albeit me not knowing the national language lest say the national anthem. right. i shall google and store in my brain now.

what am i going to blabber somemore......?

i just need my travel la. no travel, no life, no smiles, no happiness!

HA HA HA.

i think i should go sleep.

this semester is going to kill me? hai.

i wan asus eee 1000he.
shake head. it doesn't cost very much but
i will just busrt my bank because i have no money to start with.
i missed jb pc fair because it was all a rush rush to and from malacca.
and i did not even state any intention to purchase because i assume the naggings and stuff.
nonetheless, i've done enough research on netbooks. and this is the one i want.

i hate it when i know what i want but others pour cold water.
they have their legitimate reason but...
damn. i will try to prove otherwise.

i need to keep my mouth shut more often! HAHA.

I CAN'T FIND MY IPOH TOUCH.
i think i shuld sell it away.

i'm rather pissed now.
with the not so much freedom i'm getting
with the quite a few commitments i'm having.

i just want to study and do well for my final year.

i've set out 3 the goals.

2:1
good job
euro2010.

just so simple.
i hope i really can get them.

and i need to watch my social life too.

am a big time slacker.
am here to say...
yesterday i was at a food court and i heard 3 men talking. from the way they are speaking english, i highly doubt they are locals and indeed, listening closely to their convo, they are malaysians.
and it brings me to the question, how come malaysians and singapores, though bothe speak english, but it's just so different. not the first time i experience this kind of thing.
but the differences between malaysians and singapores, no matter how alike they are, i can't exactly tell u how differences are.
even physically, malaysia and singapore, like what ruihao said, it's something in malaysia that makes it appealing to us albeit many other bad things about malaysia.
i also can't say how. but. i just can't wait for my leaving singapore and go somewhere else.
like what i've always said, i won't go back to work in malaysia unless i'm paid expatriate salary.

alright, won't know what happen in the future...

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/32490-ean-yongs-political-secretary-dead-at-macc-hq-

And so, the time has arrived for Malaysia to become a country ridden with guns and bullets whereby politics are gearing towards politicians or closely related persons suddenly being dead?

Assassination? Murder? Suicide? It’s up to time to tell. We shall see how once again the machineries of the government is going to be so thoroughly oiled and then function, as the perpetuator orchestrates.

All they are doing is just trying to cover their own backsides but they fail to realize that their own backsides are skinless. Any attempt to cover will be trying to burn their own flesh.

Hell to the way Malaysian is being ruled.

We really need a change.

A young man has lost his life, for the political change we are trying/hoping to bring about.
A young man has lost his life, to provide irrefutable evidence that change is more needed than ever.
A young man has lost his life, while serving his nation, for the fellow countrymen, because he knows we deserve much more than what we are now.
A young man has lost his life, not for nothing, but for something definitely.

We silently offer our prayers that his death will be uncovered.
We silently offer our prayers that his loss is not for nothing, but for something.

Today the people of Manek Urai, Kelantan will decide. For the bridge, for UMNO; for the oil royalty, for PAS or PR or the future of Malaysia, the future of all Malaysians out there. As simple as that. Yes.

Politics is really all about words, all about how you twitch the words to your advantage no matter how your opposition phrases it.

Read this: http://themalaysianinsider.net/index.php/malaysia/32132-manek-urais-choice-oil-royalty-or-bridge

UMNO tells the people to vote for them for a new bridge to replace the existing single lane one that will only allow one car to pass at a time. PR tells the people to vote for them to demand their oil royalties the Malaysian federal government has been holding since they started extracting oil from Kelantan oil wells.

Anwar says that when the oil royalties about 1billion is into the Kelantan’s coffer, they will build the bridge that UMNO says will cost about 6-8 million.

When UMNO says they will build more new mosques, PR says what the people need is not new mosques but mosques and there are already enough mosques around.

KID WHO UMNO?

You think the people are people who have always been people? Just like you, the people’s minds have progressed. Fortunately, they progressed as fast as you and very very luckily, on the other direction.

Anyway, that’s the fact of life and I think PAS will win.

All the way, opposition. Wait for me. Maybe 30 years down the road, if I’m still alive. Because I always have the premonition that I won’t live long! HAHA.

I guess, what’s need now is a BREAK. God damn it. I’m swearing, yes. Argh. Very very sien.

I guess everyone dismisses when I say ‘I very shy one.’ Hey. That’s the truth okay. I may not seem or look shy, but in actual fact, I am. I can’t explain this but probably people who know me well enough will get what I mean. Do you?

Maybe, it’s the same as saying ‘I’m a private person.’ People who know me well enough will know that I’m a super duper private person. Ah ha. You may not get it, unless you know me well enough.

8 weeks is really seriously enough. This week so far, the 8th week is excruciating. I wonder if it’s like this because of my falling ill or is it because I’m so bloody sick of life and work anymore, life and work currently that are rendering me nothing more than confusions and sickness(in the non-physical sense.)

I’m reluctant to ask for work for I see this act as an intrusion into one’s hectic working space. And when told once that I would be given work, I don’t see the need for my reminder as it may seem as a stub reminder that ‘you exist and it’s an obligation for me to give you work.’ With or without work, I’m surviving well.

And, I believe, work comes if it’s intended for me to do and not for me to demand! Alright, certain statements may not be right, but hey, if a company has good internship programmee, it should be a structured one whereby every damn fucking thing the intern is supposed to do is planned and listed down, right from the fucking start. Ah, maybe this company exists only in my fantasy.

It’s not the people I dislike or whatever. It’s this daily routine that is fucking me up. It really is so god damn uncivilized to use fuck so sparingly but it’s just the perfect word for representation! Alright, friend says I’m definitely very pissed for it’s been a long time since I used such vulgar word. Yea. I’m pissed with myself more than I’m pissed with any godforsaken thing.

I’m confused. I’m confused. I’m confused with the whole wide world. I’m confused with just everything. I’m confused with bosses. I’m confused with employers and employees. I’m just confused with the mechanisms of the human race. =(

When I’m confused, I’m just strewn into the dark deep pit, which is bottomless. Hell do I know how deep I can fall, hell do I know how dark life can get. But all I know is that I just need time, sleep and thoughts to crawl out again, to get back to life, to convince myself I understand the world and am no longer confused. It’s just my cycle of mental/ emotional ups and downs. A swing you can call it- a fluctuation.

I realize I dread the daily being packed like tuna in the MRT. It’s just the MRT now that pisses me off. I’ve been living like a tuna since I started my travel daily to Singapore, but why is it now that I dread so much? Aren’t busses like trains and aren’t trains like busses? Today I took a bus from Jurong East with the uncertain fear that I may be late for work for I do not know how long the journey takes. And busses make me feel much better than train. Weird? Yes.

I’m sick. I think my nose is really out to murder me. it’s weird that only my left side is so jammed pack with mucus and when it yells to me to get out, it gets out in GREEN. And then in the night, as I was sleeping, it was as dry as a dead tree branch that each breath is hurting me. I really wonder what animosity I have with my dear nose. I wish for a nose transplant?

I. JUST. NEED. A. BREAK.

yesterday was yun's bdae. gosh. so vampire! haha.
meeting up with sec school friends is always something to look forward too, because... what comes out of john and co their mouth, man..you can't never anticipate! it will just keep you laughing and rolling! thanks for the car ride to the mrt. paiseh for 4 big guys to squeeze at the back of myvi.
and rocks to jessica for 'lending' me her house as i was too early and the tou sha bing is so god damn nice! GOSH.

anyway....

I'M GOING TO PENANG. yar. finally. first was to go, den sae mb don't go and now, alright, i've booked my tix. so i'm confirm going. i guess i will just slack at the hotel and not go anywhere. just read my storybook and breathe northern air. if there's a chance den i will go out to town. a super short trip. and the hotel i'm going to stay is very near to the airport; far from town, far from batu ferringhi. so just RELAX.

have to find a dress for july 18 dinner. shake head.

chocolatier 3 is rocking my world but is upside-ing my world too. gosh.

am really glad that it's just 3 weeks more. can't wait for myself to be relived from the daily routine of getting up so early, squeeze through the public transport, take shuttle bus as if i'm being ferried to work to a factory and being an office prisoner, continually waiting for lunch time and then knock off time. gosh. working in office is not nice. i wonder where will i be next year this time.

of course, my dream is to go to law school. u.s law schools are too expensive. i guess the best alternative is to go to nus law school- whehter i can enter is another matter. 3 years to get llb. well, something will happen so that i can get my law degree. =)

off to seduce chocolatier.

am reading very nice storybook now. rocks my world too.

We get educated so that we can think and not be oppressed. However, even within the compound of an educational system is such notion being dismissed. It’s the cold hard truth that the oppressed will be oppressed and regardless of what discontentment and insistence or irrefutable facts present that serves the oppressed, the oppressed still has to do according to the wishes of the oppressor for if not, probably severe punishment will be meted out if further challenges were to be executed

It just so happens to me. Look at this code:

2 Condition of Room & Common Facilities / Care of Premises
d. Residents are advised not to use any forms of adhesive tapes, blue tack, concrete nails or other means of fixing objects to the furniture, windows, walls, doors, etc in the rooms and surroundings. The cost in making good any damages done in the process of removing these items shall be charged to the residents concerned.

I guess even a primary school kid can tell you the meaning of ‘advise’. Advice is just a piece of word that the writer hopes you will follow. As such, if I went against this advice, have I gone against a ban? Of course not! This is because I only went against the advice and not against the action, nor the ban! In the first place, I haven’t violated this clause because I simply took the advice but just did not heed advice, because I feel that the advice did make sense but is not applicable! It doesn’t say ‘you cannot’, it says ‘you are not advised.’

Damages done to the wall. Hell did any removal of all the stuff of my wall damaged the wall in any shit sense. Fuck man. Really fuck. I’m cheesed off by the fact that I have to kow down to such dictatorship- ruling. They replied:

Please be reminded to remove all stuffs pasted on the wall of your room 33-3-629 by 16 June 09 (Tuesday).
We will check again on 17th June 2009.

Dude, did u read my email? Such reply just simply magnifies the fact of your ruling by absolute authority and zero democracy, no, not even human right is present! It just means, my argument is heard, not listened to, is seen, not read.

Argh!!! I’m just keeping this matter as small as I can. If not, frankly speaking, the words of the clause are with me. Maybe you wouldn’t agree. But that’s how you play with English, play with a clause, play with the law. In this sense of dictating me to remove my stuff, it’s akin to saying this rules and regulations guide is akin to a piece of a one ringgit coin.

I hate the fact that I have to just heed what they ask me to do. I fear they just take away my hall room and evict me. Man, just one more year. I can redecorate my room. And so, I take this as a chance to refurbish my room.

My room now is stained with disgusting stuff that previous occupants left behind. Holy shit. Anyway, here’s our email correspondence

Good afternoon,
You are hereby reminded to abide by all the Rules and Regulations governing your stay in the Halls of Residence and to remove all stuffs pasted on the wall of your room 33-3-629 by 12 June 09.
2 Condition of Room & Common Facilities / Care of Premises
d. Residents are advised not to use any forms of adhesive tapes, blue tack, concrete nails or other means of fixing objects to the furniture, windows, walls, doors, etc in the rooms and surroundings. The cost in making good any damages done in the process of removing these items shall be charged to the residents concerned.
You may find the links for the details of the Hall Rules & Regulations as followings:-http://www.ntu.edu.sg/campus/Accommodation/Undergrad/HallsofResidence/Pages/Rules.aspxORhttp://www.ntu.edu.sg/campus/Accommodation/Undergrad/HallsofResidence/Documents/HallRules.pdf
Your co-operation is much appreciated

Dear Mdm,
Re append email below, my deepest apologies for my violation of the code.
As I'm very tight down with my Professional Attachment (PA) and family commitments, I sincerely seek your kind consideration to extend the deadline of 12 June.
Hope you can accede to my request.
Sorry for any inconvenience caused.
Regards,
Xiao Li

Good afternoon,
We have given you 1 full week to remove the stuffs pasted on wall .
At most, we can extend the deadline till latest 15 June 2009

Hi Mdm,
I'm finally back in hall. Am living in hall on a part time basis actually. As per your request, I started removing the stuff pasted on my wall. However, as I was tearing the tape away, I realised it leaves no traces of stickiness or what not, lest say any damage to the wall. The code sudden struck me:
2 Condition of Room & Common Facilities / Care of Premises

d. Residents are advised not to use any forms of adhesive tapes, blue tack, concrete nails or other means of fixing objects to the furniture, windows, walls, doors, etc in the rooms and surroundings. The cost in making good any damages done in the process of removing these items shall be charged to the residents concerned.
The code says that we are advised not to use any forms of attachments that will cause damage to the wall upon removing them. As such, it can be inferred as "we are allowed to use such attachments as long as they do not cause damage to the wall." In my case, I went against this advice which is not a ban and thus, have made no violations. I have used tapes to attach stuff to my wall but removal ( as I have tried), incur no damage to the wall.

The reason for my pasting these stuff on my wall is to hide the ugly rampant marks that previous owners had left behind, so rampant were the marks that in the first few weeks of occupancy, I was rather disturbed in fact! Shouldn't a room should be a place where living is comfortable in terms of not only cleanliness but also conduciveness?

Since I am pasting stuff on my wall that will not cause damage to the wall (therefore not a violation of rules) but instead provide me with a conducive place to live and study, I sincerely seek your gracious understanding of this matter.

I'm sorry if this email is awashed with imprudence. I would just like to state my point (not trying to make life difficult for you!), and hope that with your magnanimity in this issue allow me have a comfortable room! However, if I'm still deemed to have violated the rules with all that I have said, I will do as per your request and remove the stuff pasted on my wall earliest by next Tuesday (I will only be in on Monday).
Once again, sorry for any inappropriateness and I really hope your can extend your consideration on this matter.
Awaits your favourable reply. =)

Best Regards,
Xiao Li

Good afternoon,
Please be reminded to remove all stuffs pasted on the wall of your room 33-3-629 by 16 June 09 (Tuesday).
We will check again on 17th June 2009.

THINK.
Yes. I’m extremely reluctant to think of anything now. Tired or lazy? Hur…
Reluctant to do anything,
Reluctant to ask,
Reluctant to smile,
Reluctant to do productive things,
Reluctant to be myself
Reluctant to do any, every thing.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Is it because of an inconsistent workload?
Is it because of an incompetent me?
OH, WHATEVER.

It sucks to know that life is all about whom you know and not what you know.
It sucks to know that life is not all real but more of fakes.
It sucks to know that life is more of an act than a life.
It sucks to know that… without connections, you are almost a dead meat! Damn!

And so,
Act a life?
Act my life?

Damn. I can’t! I can’t visualize any sucking up to people.
Anyway, it’s just a random statement! Woot!

Sleep sleep sleep.
How I wish I’m on a plane now too.

Jiejie went Dong Guan this morning. Was at T3. Penang? Bali? Sydney? Any is good!

I JUST NEED SOME ABNORMALITY.
Of course, I would prefer independent travel,
To satisfy my now irritated independence cells!

Europe 2010. Come, come, come.
Bhutan is too unrealistic.

I mentioned about face value 2 entries ago regarding news media are reporting. Today, face value hit me again, in a form that I wouldn’t have otherwise realized if not for this incident.

It started off with the cleaner lady vacuuming my area and commented or rather rebuked ‘Your place is always so dirty! Other people not like that!’ of course, my first reaction is ‘WHERE GOT?!’ It’s indeed a miracle that any foul word did not appear in my mind. She said there are a lot of staples. ‘Cheez,’ I thought to myself. I was doing filing the other day and I did clear all the staples on my table. And, telling me off with dirtiness as an excuse sounds preposterous.

Frankly, if my emotions are magnified, I am fuming with anger. However, with a stretch of thought, I realized, probably it is just her character of which I have no control over. If I were to take just the face value of her statement, I would be made a worse person; I would be made an unworthy person, of whom do not practice what I preach! Face value.

As she was wiping our table (my table is right next to the other intern) she complained yet again that our tables are always messy. Hm. It’s just the stick on pads no placed properly, of which I always rearrange before I leave work (we share those). I did not take her so ‘seriously’ this time round for I feel that it’s just in her character, in her character…

Probably this is the harsh reality of life. This is the milder harsh reality for a negative statement doesn’t bear its full weight. On the flip side of the coin, a positive statement doesn’t bear its full weight- more intricate negative entities lies within! Dissecting a positive statement to uncover the worms inside is far more ‘pain-staking’ than dissecting a negative statement to uncover the butterflies inside!

Above all, many a times, take things at face value! It can be a good reflection of everything around, and what better than looking thing as it is, without straining any brain cells that will generate more worries and uncertainties, that will in turn strain more brain cells, and the cycle goes on and on!

Face value or not?

I guess, Diaspora really happens within me.
Probably we are made up of different entities, in terms of both physical and non-physical forms. Many a time, I know that my exuberating of myself in front of people hinges these uncountable entities within me. And when diaspora happens, it is not the optimum reflection of who am I- a mismatch between my behaviour and what’s within me. Such occasions could be matched with uncomfortable or wary external environments, many of which are neither within my locus of control nor predictable.
However, it can be said that one can be in control of oneself, and as such is empowered to control how we react to circumstances we are unfamiliar with. There is definitely no reason to push the blame to anything or anyone when the symptom of ‘I do not know’ floats in the air around my sheer existence on earth. The blame is mine to undertake, the blame is not to be pushed.
Diaspora came about when the mass dispersion of Jews centuries ago; in simple language, diaspora simply means moving away from the original/ traditional place. And yes, that’s what the entities within me are doing! Probably the one time they are not in any act of betrayal against me is last summer when I was in US. Why?
When I’m alone there to fend for myself, with no ‘safety net’, no persons to make decisions for me etc, it’s when the entities feel free to be themselves, with no need for running away from where they used to reside. It was definitely one of my happiest times, though ass-est time too! Mistakes were made; experiences could have been improved too.
Nonetheless, despite the vast differences in societal level, I enjoyed my mingling with them and respected them as any individuals. I’m not someone who discriminates by nature, but probably what I presents to people when I’m in a constrained environment, reflects otherwise. Mistaken identity? Or mistaken actions? Or in the first place, it’s just mistaken nature?
Diaspora is a very powerful tool that leads to variations. And the single tinge of variation can became create tremendous differences. Nothing is the same when deviation takes place. The extent is to be reckoned, at times the greater the better, at times the worse the sadder.

man, it has been a long time since i am typing off my head. lots of things are running up and down, in and out and it's time to let it be out once and for all.

don't take everything at face value!

i'm now listening to bbc, and they are having a program about islamic militants in pakistan and indonesia, drawing similarities and also differences from issues surrounding the 2 countries. pakistan is now seeing a surge of taliban militants, who are 'invading' the swath ( i dunor if i'm spelling it correctly) valey. their atrocities are beyond humane measure- kids are being kidnapped, people are being executed with a stroke of the sword etc.

indonesia? JI has been quiet. the bombings- bali 2 times, marriott in jarkarta and the australian embassy. i think the last was in 2005. and now, it has been a long time since the militants have been active? why? they say, it's because the indonesian government having been doing a great job. but, hm. i guess they have missed out: 'there are internal conflicts within the organisation itself!' i guess this is more of the reason why JI has been lying low, with few explosive attacks. mainstream media...

next news. yesterdae or monday, all newspapers headlines in singapore flahsed that the war against the LTTE in sri lanka is over and then they reported that the head of LTTE is dead and there are different reports over where his body is. i didn't even read a single news in detail. because, these are so face value.

are you sure the war is over? does the newspaper report the truth? who's using civilian shield- the govt or the LTTE? and they always call the LTTE terrorists. but to me,they are not. they are just an opposition party. so sri lanka is not fighting the war against terror; they are having their own civil war! they say the LTTE leader is dead. so what if the leader is dead? if the leader of the sri lankan govt is dead, there will be re election or someone to take over his place. man. don't cheat yourself by kinda claiming that when the leader is dead, his organsation and legacy is dead.

alright, i need to re-subscribe TIME magazine. it has been nearly half a year since i'm surviving without one and i feel so empty now. shake head.

ah. another one. in burma. they said an american well wisher swam across the river to get to aung yung syu yii house. 'american well-wisher'? or 'american secret agent in diguise'? that's why, i say, don't take what you receive just as it is.

in malaysia? you read the mainstream newspaper, you shake your head in digust, you shake your head doubting the authenticity, you shake your head wondering what's the truth! almost nothing is the truth.

and i really like one article i browse on malaysia today... it says..in a gist, when things go our way, we sae thank god, god is great blah blah. but when things go against our way, do we say damn god, shit god? god is not great? see, we always like to see things one way, the right way. and when things go wrong, we don't see things the wrong way, but we see it from the right way, by condemning how it has deviated from being right and went wrong.

you know, i read about raja petra's son being caught for stealing and all those stuff. they say he stole so many things. and now i wonder, they just chin chai added those charges to him. malaysia police. you never know you never know. and why this speedy execution of charges and investigation procedures? because they want to smear raja petra's name. i do not know if he's out to clarify this whole situation, but i really do wonder if a raja will go to the extent of stealing. are they smearing raja petra, or are they smearing the royal family? which is which uh? what's the truth behind this whole case? you see...can't take everything at face value.

alright. wassup somemore.

ohhhh. traffic lights. may i ask, what's your definition of traffic light? or rather, why do you think traffic lights are installed?

for me, i think traffic light is an aid to road users, as a 'blind' guide to who shall go or stop when the road becomes tricky, and this who, consists of all road users, which include pedestratians too! and so, why do i say 'blind' guide?

when you see red, you stop. when you see green, you go. but why in singapore, when you see green, you turn at your own discretion. and when pedestrain see green, they walk at their own risk too? traffic light is made in place, to transfer the risk of road users taking chance to the 'blind' guide so that the risk is reduced and discretion is therefore standardise to the meaning of just red and green lights. when discretion is seems standardised but it's actually not, risk is not alleviated, but instead aggravated.

i am really super duper puzzled. so many traffic accidents have occured because of this green but not green situation. isn't the govt going do something about it? shake head.

anyway, i need to go do homework. yes. do homework.

i'm god damn tired.

and hey malaysia! indonesia, and even india has direct presidential election. when will malaysia have a direct prime minister election? are we so not even worthy of our neighbour, of a country more improverished than us? or are you going to say those are forced democracy, those are unworkable democracy for our multi racial country.

but wait. talking about multi racial. malaysia is always known as an islamic country. but, hey. aren't we a multi racial country? shake head.

i'm tired.
yet there are so many things within me that needs to be expelled.
it's really high time for me to write. start writing again.

am supposed to be in bed long ago but the glimpse of malaysia-today got be hooked to the screen for too long! that so incited me to type something off my mind here.

gosh gosh gosh. raja petra is now on the run. he jumped bail and did not turn up for his court hearing. alright. he said his reasons.

and malaysia simply needs to change. change and reform. i guess if there's a change in government in the next GE or somehow soon, due to extraordinary events that might happen, the probably one and only job that new government is tasked with is to CLEAR UP.

and this clearing up is not the normal kind of clearing up, simply because the mess we are in now, is extraordinary.

i really wonder what the political future of malaysia will be like. with raja petra on the run, with tun najib as a prime minister full of baggage, with tun mahathir flexing his muscles, with anwar's leadership being marred by the recent events. who then, shall be the person to break the tipping point of malaysia's political fragility?

and of course, i wonder what my future will be. with no internship on hand uh. really down on luck. they just come, stay and go. they never stay for the duration that they should.

back to topic. when will malaysia hold the fundamental truth and rights that were setforth in the constitution of malaya? why cant all citizens be regarded as one, and be entitled to certain inalienable rights that include life, freedom and the pursuit of...?

it really pains me whenever i see a town or place in malaysia getting shittier and shittier each time i look at it. and from a comment when i was passing by rawang, it's down to shit town planning. look around the towns in malaysia, don't they look shittier and shittier each time you look at them? they can be much better, much much better, if less inept people are behind progress. because inept people brings about backwardation, by strewing their vicinity of control with shits. sighs.

and look at the schools. don't many of them just look like you're back in the 1980s or 1990s? man...do something to the schools. uhm. no. do something to the people in the school. or no. do something to the people behind the school.

why? why have we allowed our educational standards to drop by leaps and bounds, like children are not our future, like educational policies are made not for the people at heart but for self, for the party and for politics at heart? why?

and why do i see the bus stop's columns tumbled, bringing down the whole bus stop, still there? yes. i mean the one in gelang patah that i never fail to spot each time cw3 brings me past. why has it not been repaired? it is because there's no funds for repair? or because the funds has been labelled 'undervalued transactions'. it's not even undervalued man. it's just a no value transaction. another reason for not repairing: there's no use for the bus stop- even repaired, it won't serve as a bus stop but just another monument. then, in the first place, why build it? because the town planner says so?

and look at perling interchange. well, thank you for building that. but hm. who built it? the state government or the developer/s of housing estates? HUH? private enterprises money for public works? nonetheless, thankyou. it has really eased the traffic congestion that has been plaguing the residents of perling, and to a certain extent perling and beyond for super duper number of years. but. it is built like shit. weird structure, weird flow of traffic. just weird. it's just like lumping all good ideas into one, and it turns out to be a badly designed good idea. get what i mean?

in short, malaysia can do much better than what we are now.
but,
it needs to stop getting worse,
or
the mess gets messier,
the shits get smellier,
and,
when the time/ chance for clearing up comes,
we will be even more impeded by the clearing up process.

please,
all the gods out there,
please please bless malaysia.

it just seems like exams are over for me? i haven't touched my books since last wed. gosh. i still got one more paper.

anyway, i think i'm happiest when i travel.

no pa for phase 3 round 2. so continue waiting. haha.

and then i guess i shall see where can i go this summer.

probably i will save for next summer.

euro 2010! =)

my dream of wanting to leave singapore just cant leave me.
i wonder if it's bad because it is making me grudge life here even more, and more and more.
so much so that i'm just dismissing so many things,
and taking things for granted,
disprescting things,
snubbing at many things?
what? what is it?

just give me a bag of money and a place to go. i will just go. i'm sometimes very tired of being too intricately interwined with things, places, people back at the comfort zone. life is just too complicated. i need a break. i think i need a break every half year. to renew my soul. or else, i'm just back to the whiny old hag. who sucks.

really need to get out of life here. it's just not being me. i always wonder what do i have to give? what can i give? definitely much more than what i give of myself when i'm here. too restrictive. too oppressive. too demanding. so restrictive, so oppressive and so demanding that i'm just not giving. i choose not to play puppet to a society like this.

it all boils down to money, ain't it? i wish i'm overseas now. enjoying life. hecking everything and just doing what i want to do. probably an undergrad dream would be in u.k studying PPE. reading and looking at the world, attending lessons, giving my views about the world and thoughts. freedom. being me. being true. and loving what i do. and not now, battling with gpa, with getting the right answer, with securing a pa, with many watchful eyes. restrictions, oppressions, demands.

in short, not regarding anything, i would study politics. and not business? the society here demands and i'm just a puppet to this society. i can't wait for 2014 to pull off this cover. to pursue my dreams.

will i one day when i live my dreams think my dreams suck to the core? that i'm regret having such dreams?

i'm really sick of this kind of life now. it just revolves round and round NOTHING. but it's me to make the change. i need to travel. i really need. it's been too long since i last travel, to an unchartered territory.

bless me with some luck for PA.
bless me with luck for my dreams.
bless me with 2014 coming in an instance.

alright. long time no type here endlessly. wow. look at my english.
anyway, i finally completed the special edition of nodame cantabile.
damn.
now den i know how what music should be all about.
sighs.
misses.
and i wish i can make it right.
i don't mind have perpetual piano lessons.
gosh. it's cool to have the sound produced.
misses.
and today shopping at orchard,
i miss the days i had in u.s
anyway,
off to sleep.

it has been a long long time since i last log on to livejournal.
probably as we grow older, priorities change and so do our perspectives?

i hate life now. well, i hate to use hate because of the extremism involve.
but, probably i'm just emotionless...

yongda helped me to ask her friend about an internship position in ocbc.
i received a confirmation from there about a week ago,
and today, i received a rescind email.

so i'm back to square one. no luck with jobs. no internship for this may-july.

i've applied the one BW Maritime. probably banks are not my cup of tea? i really would like to work in the maritime industry. banks. all bluff people. and i hate dealing with numbers. i want to work in a place where i can use my knowledge and love for interest about things around me in work. well, not is not the time to pick and choose my internship.

i shall accept any that comes to me, even if it's tuas. i want one to be in raffles place. ocbc is in raffles place. but it is no more for now.

karma.

i need good karma.

probably all things happen for a reason.
we never know what will happen in the future.


wish me luck for my internship and for my exams.

good luck to you too. =)


and i realise, i've come back to earth?
accepted the fact that i'm stuck in singapore,
and i will be stuck here.

sighs.

i really wish a getting out of it for a long long period of time.
i need a culture change.
i need an environment change.
i need a super duper big change.

change. yes i can.

euro 2010? haha.

tax returns, faster come.

should have spent less last summer.